SW: 130
LW: 108 (March 2011)
CW: 115.4 (February 18th)
GW: 115
UGW: 110?
Constant battle between my problems with binge eating and obsession with being skinny. This has taken over my life.
I have both healthy and unhealthy eating habits... sometimes one wins over the other. I lost from 130 to 108 by heavily restricting and exercising a lot, then developed a bingeing problem. After a binge I would either make myself vomit or eat < 300 calories the next day. Eventually the binges got so out of control I gained all my weight back in just a couple weeks. Lost it again, gained it back again. Currently trying to be free from bingeing and increase my intake a little with healthy foods. Still trying to lose back to my lowest, but I want to actually maintain once I get there instead of always trying to lose more.
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Can’t believe I’m doing this
but i just walked to the on-campus counseling center and made an appointment to see someone on tuesday. surprisingly, i already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
after last night’s binge, then bingeing again and purging about half of it this morning, and being able to talk about all this with my mom on the phone earlier, i think i’m finally ready to get some help.
i never thought i’d see someone about this because aside from my mom i’ve never wanted to tell anymore. i hate talking about feelings and problems. i’m bad at articulating myself.
also, i know that they’re gonna talk to me about how counting calories and not eating enough in the first place is what got me here and i’m sure they’re going to want me to stop. which is something i really don’t want to do. this isn’t a diet anymore, this is the way i eat. the only way i want to eat and the only way i know how anymore.
i like counting calories. i like eating my 700-1,000 a day and being satisfied with the fat-carb-protein ratio. i like seeing the number go down on the scale. my only problem is with the bingeing.
but after a year and a half of holding so tight to all of this, something inside me is finally done and ready to do what it takes to end this… at least i think. we’ll see what happens.
you know it’s a bad day when
you start to binge in the morning
that literally never happens to me unless i binged the night before and feel too hopelessly off track to even try to fast or anything… aka me right now.
cereal and milk and english muffins and cream cheese.
and somehow this time i was able to purge a substantial amount, maybe around half but my stomach is still stretched beyond belief.
this is just bad. so bad, and i don’t see any fucking way out of this.
